I Didn't Want to Need You
by heartagrambabe
Summary: He drowned himself in memories and guitar riffs because that's all he could do now. Based on Heart's "I Didn't Want to Need You"
1. 1990

**I Didn't Want to Need You **

**Summary: ** He drowned himself in memories and guitar riffs because that's all he could do now. Based on Heart's "I Didn't Want to Need You" **  
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><p><strong>1990.<strong>

**_Baby, I never gave my heart to anyone, oh no_**  
><strong><em>Used to think that love was a game...<em>**

As the record softly belted out Heart's _Brigade_, a record breaking album this week, Steven Hyde couldn't help but let his mind wander along with the power and emotion in Ann Wilson's voice, drowning himself in memories and guitar riffs. Music has always been his sanctuary, it has always given him a catharsis; a home when he was homeless. Steven Hyde was a man of Zen, now and forever, but when it came to music, and if he was safely isolated from the world outside of his tiny worn down apartment, then he let it go; the tears of a broken heart, the tears of a broken man. Steven Hyde was a broken man and it's been that way for almost thirty years- he was never complete; the mere product of a drunken mishap, Steven Hyde was someone no one ever gave a damn about. That is until he moved in with Forman and his family. For a moment in time, he felt _wanted. But_ he never felt _needed_ - that is until he met the cheerleader with the mismatched eyes. Up until he met her, gotten to know her - in both the literal and biblical sense - Steven Hyde never believed in love.

He hated her, or so he made it appear. Steven Hyde made it clear on the surface, for nearly four years, that he hated everything about her; it was a way of coping with the very foreign feelings he felt whenever she was around. And he most certainly reasoned to himself that his rage towards Kelso's moronic womanizing behavior was not because he hated seeing the beautifully annoying girl cry but because he hated having her cry _to_ him. Yeah, for four blissful years, he had it all figured out. Jackie Burkhart was simply a nuisance, not the specter of his sexual fantasies and certainly not "the girl of his dreams." Steven Hyde didn't need annoyingly shallow cheerleaders; he craved loose women or women of substance. He wasn't sure. But he knew, this girl, this angel, devil, whatever she was, was something addicting and he could not take that taste because he knew himself too well; once he started, he would never want to stop.

**_I used to make it just for fun_**

And then that fateful summer came along. The summer when Kelso, for the final time, ruined the girl. The fateful summer where Steven Hyde would do what he always feared - open himself up to someone else. It was hot, sweaty and _The Price of Right_ was on; they were horny and attracted to one another. Lips collided with one another, flesh met flesh and he became addicted to her and her vanilla scent and the scent of her naivety and innocence. He finally broke and she finally got what she always wanted; a taste of Steven Hyde and for the next three years, they were addicts. But, this summer was simply the beginning, an introduction. Feelings were there but not apparent to either party; Steven Hyde just figured it was pure sexual frustration and once Kelso decided to show his moronic face again, the little euphoria that was Jackie would be taken away for good. So he made damn sure it lasted because he was unsure if he would ever get to taste her, savor her.

But he was shocked when she picked him over her "love." He was genuinely surprised when she looked him into his baby blues protected by his glasses- his security blanket- and told him "I choose you, Steven." She was the only one whoever used his first name in such an endearing manner. It was then Steven Hyde knew he had to have her, there was no going back; she was his heroin, and boy, did he light himself up.

**_When we spent the night together  
><em>****_Didn't mean it meant that much_**  
><strong><em>Now I just can't live without your touch<em>**

But of course, insecurities came about. He became bitter, angry, jealous. And it was all because of her history with Kelso, the biggest moron to ever walk into his life. It was because of Kelso that he lost her for good, the reason he became the way he became. He strayed with the nurse because he was so certain that Kelso, once again, has proven, to be a douche and seduce what is rightfully Steven Hyde's. The question from all this, one that has been haunting Steven Hyde for a long time, is when did he fall for her? When along this tumultuous relationship did he look at Jackie and realize that he cannot breathe, survive without her touch?

Once again, his feelings were there the moment he met her.

But it wasn't until he lost her when he realized how much he needed her, craved her annoying presence. He couldn't imagine how he lived life before her because she brought so much color and warmth into the cold, black and white atmosphere he lived in and once he felt her colors, he never wanted to give it up.

He never intended it to all be this way.  
>He never intended to his life end up ten times worse than it was before she came.<br>He didn't intend on _needing_ her as much as he did

**_I didn't wanna to need you, no_**  
><strong><em>I didn't wanna want you like I do<em>**  
><strong><em>I didn't mean to fall<em>**  
><strong><em>Didn't wanna care at all<em>**

If Steven Hyde was anything, it was prideful. He can at least admit to that. He knows that the reason why he couldn't stay that night was because he was an arrogant, selfish, prideful bastard. But he _could've_ stayed. He did have the capability, he just chose not to think, chose not to feel, chose not to fight for the woman he loves, the woman he was -and still is- willing to spend the rest of his life with.

He still remembers a certain conversation with Mrs. Forman one fine summer day...a couple summers before the fateful summer.

_"Mrs. Forman, I cannot like her, she is everything that I detest in a person...If I like her then shoot me now."_  
><em>A nervous, signature Kitty Forman laughter, then a finger gun "Bang. Bang."<em>

It was from that conversation and from that date that Steven Hyde should have known that his fate was sealed, that from that moment on, he was no longer in control, he no longer had a say, he no longer could mold the world to his liking; Jackie Burkhart had him wrapped around her little fingers and mismatched eyes.

_**I didn't wanna need you**_  
><em><strong>Like I need you now<strong>_

Steven Hyde lives an empty life now; eleven years past and he still cannot let go. She has left her mark, and she has taken his heart all the way to god knows where. Steven Hyde finds no meaning in being an angry, paranoid burnout anymore if there is no one to share that part of himself with, if there is no one to play charades for.

Instead, he's a drunk; Steven Hyde is a bitter drunk, a nasty drunk- he is Edna reincarnate and that only makes him more bitter.

With Jackie, he was a different kind of man, a better man; without her, he is a shattered shell. This is what he can conclude from this remembrance of love lost as the song crescendos into the bridge.

_**I've always been free**_  
><em><strong>To leave when I wanna leave<strong>_  
><em><strong>But it's not up to me anymore<strong>_  
><em><strong>I didn't wanna need you ...<strong>_

He was too damn old to still be heartbroken over something that happened a decade ago; too damn old to care about a girl who no longer existed in his world. Steven Hyde was too old for anything anymore. He is thirty, but feels like sixty. It's too late to change the past. And so this is all he can do- get drunk and throw on some cheesy rock record. He drowned himself in memories and guitar riffs because that's all he could do now.

**_I didn't wanna to need you, no_**  
><strong><em>I didn't wanna want you like I do<em>**  
><strong><em>I didn't mean to fall<em>**  
><strong><em>Didn't wanna care at all<em>**

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><p><em>AN: Okay I just needed to write this because I've been on a That 70s binge again and plus, I really love Heart and this song and thought it suited Hyde and Jackie. So this little exercise came from the product of rock n roll. _


	2. 1993

**I Didn't Want to Need You **

**Summary: ** He drowned himself in memories and guitar riffs because that's all he could do now. Based on Heart's "I Didn't Want to Need You" **  
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><p><em>AN: Okay, so I decided to continue on with this one-shot and do one from Jackie's perspective. It'll be based on the Velvet Underground's "Pale Blue Eyes" and again, like the Hyde one, it's going to be more realistic, which means there really isn't a happy ending; more bittersweet in nature. As much as I wish for happy endings for Hyde and Jackie, I think the regrets is the reality after season 8... so here we are._

_Dedicated to Lou Reed, whose music inspired this and brings me serenity. I just felt this wouldn't be complete without an angsty Jackie companion. _

_Anyways, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!_

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><p><span>II. Pale Blue Eyes <span>

**_January_****_ 1st, 1993._**

_New York City, NY _**_  
><em>**

_3:30 AM _

**_Sometimes I feel so happy,  
>Sometimes I feel so sad.<br>Sometimes I feel so happy,  
>But mostly you just make me mad.<em>**

As the velvet acoustics of Lou Reed filled her empty room, Jackie Burkhart couldn't help but feel her heart skip a beat and her lips form a nostalgic smile. "Pale Blue Eyes" was always her favorite Velvet Underground song and for many reasons. One, it was the song that she cried herself to sleep to when her parents' constant absence became too much to bear and secondly, it reminded her of the pale blue-eyed burnout that was once hers. The nostalgic smile on her lips bleed into a bitter grimace; how long has it been now? Thirteen, twelve years since she last saw her puddin' pop and the image of his bitter, nonchalant expression was burned into her memory. It made her heart ache to think that he had erased all memories of their happiness, of his own personal happiness from his heart; it tore her apart having to endure his bitter, very uncharacteristic burns- for Steven Hyde was never one to intentionally hurt people, his burns came from a good nurtured place, but 1979 was a bitter time not just for her or her Steven but for everyone else they ever knew. Eric ran away to Africa to teach disadvantaged children, leaving a heartbroken Donna to find love in the happy go lucky Randy, who, despite his good heart and intentions, didn't belong in their circle. Michael was in Chicago with Betsy and Brooke, and Fez... Fez, Jackie's biggest regret, was nothing more than a pawn in her game to try to win back the man she gave her heart to.

Fez, despite his burning admiration, wasn't right for Jackie. He was passionate, but he lacked control; He was caring, but he lacked understanding. Fez, though he was attentive to all her needs and wants, wasn't the man for Jackie Burkhart. Jackie Burkhart was no longer the superficial woman she was when she first met Steven Hyde; she changed, in both the best and worst of ways. With Steven, she was dignified, down-to-earth, genuine. With Steven Hyde, Jackie didn't need materialism to hide behind, she felt protected and safe- she had no reason to cover herself, with Steven Hyde, Jackie was able to be fully nude, both figuratively and literally. And when he married the stripper, whose name she refuses to recall because that name is a wound that she refuses to acknowledge, she became a different girl. With Steven descending into his self-destructive madness, Jackie Burkhart went down a self-destructive path of her own. She found no reason to smile or laugh, she became depressed; the shine that once existed in her mismatched eyes diminished greatly that it caused a stir among Donna, Fez, and Mr. and Mrs. Forman and even clueless Randy who had taken quite the liking to Jackie in a friendly manner of speaking.

She remembers one night that year when she was crying alone in the Forman's driveway, Kitty dragged her inside the house, sat down beside her, held her until the tears could no longer run. It seems so insignificant, but what Jackie best remembers about that night was what Mrs. Forman told her:

_"Honey, Let me tell you something I noticed. When you two were together, it was the only time I ever truly seen Steven Hyde happy. I know this hurts, but honey, he isn't the Steven Hyde you knew a year ago, he isn't the Steven Hyde we all knew a year ago. As much as I want to see a happy ending for you two, for your sake, move on. It'll hurt like hell, and maybe years from now, it'll still hurt. But for your sake, Jackie, let go. We cannot stand the tears, we miss the sunshine in your pretty eyes..." _

As touching as her words were, Jackie felt some resentment towards those words. As much as Jackie loves Kitty Forman- who has been more a mother than her own loose and absent mother- she couldn't help but resent those words. Why did she have to let go? Maybe she didn't want to take care of herself? Maybe she wanted to hurt, to prove to Steven Hyde that she has and always did bleed for him. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks as the record continued to turn; records were slowly diminishing off the shelves, but Jackie is lucky that she kept all of hers- as well as a few momentos from Steven- so she can at least, relish in her past, relish in the golden years that were 1974-1978.

_**Thought of you as my mountain top,**_  
><strong><em>Thought of you as my peak.<em>**  
><strong><em>Thought of you as everything,<em>**  
><strong><em>I've had but couldn't keep.<em>**

**_I've had but couldn't keep._**  
><strong><em>Linger on, your pale blue eyes.<em>**  
><strong><em>Linger on, your pale blue eyes.<em>**

She misses his eyes the most; the beautiful ocean blue eyes he hid away from the rest of the world, but revealed only to her. He used his sunglasses as a crutch, as a surefire way to push those who mattered away before they could push him away. But with Jackie, Steven Hyde knocked down his walls, his stability. Of all the intimate moments they shared, none were more special to Jackie Burkhart than the moments where they would lay on his cot in his tiny basement room and stare into each others eyes- no words were ever exchanged because their communication, their intimacy all laid behind their eyes. And that, she misses the most. None of the boyfriends and one fiancee she had since Steven Hyde could ever keep a connection as strong as they did. Often times, Jackie couldn't bear to look her "lovers" in the eyes because they all shared the same trait- baby blue eyes. But none were ever as blue as Steven Hyde's pale baby blues.

_**If I could make the world as pure**_  
><em><strong>and strange as what I see <strong>_

_**I'd put you in the mirror**_  
><em><strong>I put in front of me.<strong>_

_**I put in front of me.**_

It begins to rain outside, in the world beyond her broken world. And as the record continues to spin and her tears mingle in with the steady pattering of the raindrops against her window, Jackie Burkhart begins to realize how empty her life has become. Despite her success as a local news anchor, despite her fancy penthouse apartment and despite the money that her materialistic younger self would reveal in, it means nothing to her. None of her success matters to her now because she doesn't have those pale blue eyes to stare into whenever she needed the reassurance or the simple intimacy. He was gone and more than likely, no longer cared, was probably happily married to someone else... Jackie Burkhart has come to the conclusion that Steven Hyde was never going to come back; this reality that she lived in was not like the movies and books she read when she was younger, there was no happy endings, no fated chances of reuniting with her lost love.

Her lost love hated her, most likely erased everything about her from his memory and this truth breaks Jacqueline Burkhart's heart.

And all she does is wait until three-thirty in the morning, when the loneliness is ripe and the memories- both the good and the painful- are fresh in her memory, throw on a classic record that would soon be obsolete in five years time, and lament over the loss of the curly-haired burnout with the pale blue eyes.

Her pale blue eyed burnout.

Her puddin' pop.

Her unrequited dream.

**_It was good what we did yesterday._**  
><strong><em>And I'd do it once again.<em>**  
><strong><em>The fact that you are married,<em>**  
><strong><em>Only proves, you're my best friend.<em>**  
><strong><em>But it's truly, truly a sin.<em>**

**_Linger on, your pale blue eyes._**  
><strong><em>Linger on, your pale blue eyes.<em>**


End file.
